Dear Daddy,
It was good to talk you a few days ago on my birthday. It was then you said something about learning to not care what people think. And I guess I’ve reached the part of my life where I can’t move forward until I start practicing that. I’ve decided to be authentic, starting with you, about who I’ve become, what I believe and how I think. Looking back, there were a few pulls which drew me away from the beliefs you taught us. The first was my desire to pursue faith healing in ways you didn’t endorse such as those practiced by the Charismatics or Easy Believism Christians.
I couldn’t reconcile what seemed like a discrepancy between Jesus’ faith healings and the Apostle Paul’s acceptance of his un-healable ailment.
I remember how you identified with his eyesight problem. You joked that you were blind in one eye and couldn’t see out of the other. I was too. But I wanted a miracle for my Marfan Syndrome problems including my eyesight. I’ve spent my whole life studying spontaneous healings and the science behind faith. Every patient for whom I’ve ever cared, has been a sort of case study of mine. You have also been a subject of my study. I suspect your faith is the reason you have defied all the odds. My understanding of faith has evolved a little now, though. Here’s what I mean.
Most likely, I snapped this custom tag photo while I was out doing home visits
I think the placebo effect is something like faith.
For instance, it wasn’t necessarily Jesus’ touch that held the power. It was the belief in Jesus’s touch or in the hem of his garment that held the power. “Your faith has made you whole,” Jesus said. Sometimes, it’s the belief in the pill or the doctor or the placebo. And sometimes, it’s the belief in God’s healing or God’s will. Some people’s God is one whom you would define as false. But from my observation, faith is faith. Of course, faith without works is dead!
Some people trust in God by trusting in themselves.
Consider Jesus’ words. I and my Father are one. Then the Jews took up stones again to stone him. Jesus answered them, Many good works have I shewed you from my Father; for which of those works do ye stone me? The Jews answered him, saying, For a good work we stone thee not; but for blasphemy; and because that thou, being a man, makest thyself God. ~ John 10:30-33
The second pull centered around the Scriptural rules of marital relationships. Before I filed for divorce, I spent hours with the concordance and the Bible as I tried to determine if my case was Biblically justified. Now I look back and wonder how much pain could’ve been spared not only in my case, but also in yours and mama’s, if only someone wasn’t Biblically required to be the bad guy and take the fall. I remember all those disagreements you had with your brother about why he shouldn’t be a pastor according to the Bible since he had divorced and remarried.
You never thought it would be you. No one ever does.
You became the scapegoat of your family. To be fair, it was a role you inadvertently created for yourself ahead of time. Divorce was something you taught us to judge. God hated it, you said. So we judged you. I don’t judge you anymore. I see how it happened and I see how I recreated the exact same judgmental dynamic with my children. The only difference is that it was other things, not divorce, that I taught them to judge, because I never thought it would be me.
But you taught us something else, something very valuable. By choosing yourself, you taught your children that it is okay for us to choose ourselves. I no longer believe the ultimate goal of marriage is to stay together forever. To everything there is a season, right? Sometimes we learn what we want in a relationship by realizing we don’t have it in the one we’re in. And sometimes we have to learn again and again. I’m not judging the process, myself or anyone else when it comes to breakups or even makeups, because it’s just the natural ebb and flow of life.
The third draw involved the topics of reincarnation, familiar spirits and demonic possession.
When I was little, around age four, I had copious memories from what I will call a previous life. I spent so much time when I got older trying to figure out why I had these memories. I considered the possibilities from a Christian viewpoint. And from a mental health perspective, I considered multiple personality disorder. Those early memories though, were about things about which I hadn’t yet learned in this life. Ultimately, I decided the sensible explanation was that the memories were mine from a long ago life rather than from those of a demon or familiar spirit.
But what really makes me a heretic, is how I classify & interpret the Bible.
See, through nursing, I learned that mental health providers have a “Bible,” the DSM V, in which the criteria for mental health diagnoses are held. And like pastors with their KJV, or TriCare agents with their TOM, each interpret their Bible a little differently. My point is, I often don’t interpret the Scripture literally. I could tell you a whole metaphorical Garden of Eden story based on my own experience from eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. In my case, the fruit was ayahuasca.
Anyway, I guess that’s about it for my authenticity and “I don’t care what people think” bit.
I do want to tell you that If I had it to do over again, I would choose you again as my father and I would choose the exact same childhood I had. How lucky I was to have a father who made us chant, Good Better Best! Never let it rest until you’re good is better and your better’s best! How lucky I was to have been part of an assembly line from the wood pile to the basement window. How lucky I was that you taught me how to write! I was privileged even though I didn’t know it for so long. Thank you! I love and appreciate you.
Connie
P.S. I have been studying a few theories in which connective tissue disorders may be linked to not only hyper-sensitivity in general, but also to hyper-spiritualism. To be fair, I’m also looking at it from the perspective of hyper-religiosity which is often associated with certain mental health disorders. While Marfan Syndrome may be an affliction, I think it is also a gift of tenderness. And please know that I will finish reading every page of every one of your books. Believe it or not, I am just as interested in the mystery of the Gospels as you are.
I thought you might like this picture I took.