Early this morning, I dreamed I went to jail, prison actually. In the opening scene, a group of woman were showing me the best way to rig up menstrual pads. One of the them looked at me and said, “Why don’t you just buy yours?” I had just enough time to feel defensive before I was called away to meet with my attorney. Though that wasn’t his title, I can’t remember what it was in the dream. But it seemed to me like he functioned in that capacity.
I was brought outside the locked area to meet him. I know this only by deduction because in the next scene, I followed him back to the locked door which led back to where I had just been with the other women. He opened it, went through it and left me standing on the other side. It never even occurred to me to make a run for it. Instead, I stood politely outside the door waiting to be imprisoned again.
Behind me, in the middle of this large all white foyer, was a security/receptionist desk. It was manned by someone from my actual life, an ex-lover. And no, this wasn’t Tyrone. I don’t know yet what fictional name to give him. See, there is a carefully thought out secret meaning behind every new name I give an antagonist or villain from my real waking life story. Anyway, acting like he didn’t know me, ex-lover hit a button, and buzzed open the door.
Of my own accord, I walked back into the prison.
In the next scene, I was sitting across from my non-attorney, whom I’ll call Owen. He was a small to medium white man and he appeared to be about sixty years of age. He was all business and very focused on the form he was completing, He looked up, peered into my eyes and asked, “What do you want your gift to be?” I thought I didn’t hear him right so I exclaimed in question, “My gift!?” Yes, I had heard him right. He told me that once an inmate had asked for xyz and they were granted it. I say xyz because when I awakened, I could remember only that the gift was lavish, extravagant and improbable.
After that, I found myself in the next scene. Owen had moved to another table further away. He was still working on the stack of papers in front of him while I tried to make up my mind. I’m not going to ask for pads, I thought. That would be a waste of a gift. But just then, I awakened with his question repeating in my head. What do you want your gift to be? I knew I didn’t need to do any research to discover this dream meaning. See, last night, I stayed up until the early morning hours working on my money and bills. And I saw that my known resources are fast diminishing.
But of course, I knew this already. I’ve been pinching pennies while painting and packing the house. Remember, I’ve had virtually no income for the last thirteen months. And two days ago, a realtor from an agency who represents cash buyers came out to give me an estimate. She said I could expect an offer of 100k less than what I would get if my house didn’t need repairs, was in top notch condition and was sold to a traditional buyer through traditional financing. At best, she said, maybe they would offer me 70k less. She tried to talk me into other selling options.
What I didn’t tell her, is that if I don’t sell the house now, I have to go back to work as a nurse immediately.
I signed the agreement to let her represent me and she said she would probably have a contractor or someone who was interested by Friday, which is tomorrow. I thought about this last night while working on my bills, until I became fraught with anxiety. Finally, I took a bath, brushed my teeth and went to bed. Then I wrestled with God until after three am or so when I finally fell asleep and into the dream. When I awakened, I knew going back to nursing was the same as me standing at the door of the prison waiting to be buzzed back inside.
If there is no sound, touch the screen within the video and the unmute button will appear.
A long time ago, I saved this TikTok which I posted above. Much of my nursing career has been spent in locked psychiatric units. Although I am the nurse, I am also the guard. But as Cleburn Walker suggests, I am also the prisoner. I am just wearing a differently colored uniform. In fact, in the last locked psych facility in which I worked, the patients wore green scrubs and the nurses wore blue scrubs. Now don’t misunderstand me. Nursing saved me from a much worse prison and brought me to a whole new level of freedom.
I wouldn’t change my 20+ year career for anything. But now, as I dare to dream bigger, I have felt intense guilt for wanting to reach a new level of freedom. And my family doesn’t support me. Even though they cherish thriftiness and take pride in having mastered the art of perpetually surviving poverty, they don’t understand why I would even consider letting go of such a high paying career. And so I waffle back and forth. Perhaps, I think, it is my mindset which is imprisoning me. Maybe I need to suck it up and go back with my mind stayed on freedom.
But then a few days ago, I heard someone on YouTube, maybe Steven Pressfield or Dr. Theresa Bullard, say something along these lines. What was once your freedom can become your prison when it’s time for you to expand and move to a greater level of freedom. When I heard that, I felt like I finally had permission to let go. But of course, soon enough, doubt crept in and told me that it was the Ayahuasca that made me lose my mind just enough to believe that I deserve to be more free.
This entry originally ended with the paragraph just above Cleburn Walker’s video. I was searching for a different saved video to add to my next entry when I found this forgotten one. How wild and timely is that? I mean really! Then I added four more paragraphs.
P.S. Today is 5/15. I’ve been waffling back and forth like crazy since that dream. And on the 9th or 10th, I forget which, I added the below paragraph while I was panickimg.
Also, I am facing the reality that I am not yet done with nursing. I have thought about how a prospective employer may react to reading this blog. Certainly, nobody wants to hire a nurse that feels imprisoned by their work. So stay tuned, because I have another perspective to add to this dream interpretation.