The repairman arrived at my door that warm mid-May day and my nine month pregnant belly went before me as I led him through the trailer. I pointed out a soft spot under the carpet in the living room floor where he should avoid stepping. And I expressed in no uncertain terms that it was imperative that he not fix anything until he first checked with me to make sure I had enough money to pay him. In and out and back and forth he went to his truck as he fetched various tools and supplies.
Meanwhile, I thought about how embarrassed I was that he had to see us in our poverty.
I felt ashamed that we lived in the oldest, smallest and poorest trailer in the park. And because I judged myself, I imagined what he might think of me. He probably thought all four or five of the little kids running in and out of the trailer were mine. He probably thought I was this and he probably thought I was that. He didn’t know how hard I was trying or that just days ago, I had completed mission impossible by graduating from nursing school. On and on it went in my head.
After awhile, though, I began to grow concerned. He had been working for some time and had still not given me the estimate or obtained my okay to proceed. Eventually, he began packing up his tools and on his last trip out the door, he spoke with kindness in his voice. “Well, Miss, you have hot water now and I paid your repair bill myself.” He continued as though he were thinking aloud, “I guess this is going to be my tithe for the week.” My heart stopped. I couldn’t even begin to fathom what had just happened.
Wait. So, let me get this straight. I decided to rob God of his tithe (well, borrow it indefinitely) and not only did He not strike me dead but He also sent me a repairman who paid my bill himself as his tithe to God?
I remember standing on my porch in a state of overwhelm after I had sincerely thanked the man and waved goodbye. I felt like I had just been personally selected to be loved by God. I felt that love in my body as though I though I had been physically hugged by God, whoever God was.
It wasn’t just that there was no charge. I mean I could’ve almost left God out of it if that were the case. But it was that whole tithe theme which surely meant it couldn’t have just been a coincidence. I thanked God and promised to never doubt “Him” again whoever “He” was. One thing was for sure though, I thought. This God must not be the God of Ananias and Sapphira. In the next several entries, I may reference God as the Light or Unconditional Love both of which the repairman embodied. But that doesn’t mean I forgot about seasons or the illusion of duality.
I remember the knowledge of good and evil and I know that the Darkness is also God. I recall that the The Kingdom of God is within me and that it is reportedly the same as The Kingdom of Heaven. If they are the same, then Heaven is also within me. My next question asks, are Heaven and God the same? Or, is one just an aspect of the other? Maybe God is the kingdom within and Heaven the kingdom without? Or vice versa? Or both? Either way, if defined according to the illusion of duality, they are different but still one because within is just the flip side of without.