I want to tell you how psychedelics destroyed my life. I’ll start with that one particular Ayahuasca ceremony where I sold my soul. You would have never convinced me that I would ever lose control to that degree. Before that, I had always wondered how, if the conspiracy theories were true, could the so-called Hollywood elites have been dumb enough to sell their souls to the Devil. Even so, after I sold mine, in the days that followed, I was bothered but not devastated by my actions.
After all, I had sold mine to Unconditional Love, not the Devil.
It was the realest thing ever, this love. It was tangible, magnetic and absolutely impossible to resist. Have you ever heard an NDE story where the death survivor describes how the light was too beautiful to do anything but move towards it? Well this was like that except it was an overwhelming feeling instead of a white light. With my eyes closed, I could see lights as alive as me, but the feeling was the leading force.
Months passed and as my life began rapidly disintegrating around me, I remembered that the concept of non-duality also applies to Unconditional Love which to me, is God. And if the Devil is God’s shadow, then by default, they are one which meant I had also sold my soul to the Devil. I think of the Devil as what Steven Pressfield calls Resistance with a capital R. And I think of Unconditional Love as what he describes as his Muse, the gods of creativity and inspiration.
In one of his interviews, Pressfield said they are two sides of the same coin.
My mouth fell open when I heard him say that because I thought I was the person who originally associated that phrase with non-duality. Now I realize the Muse threw it out there for anyone to catch. But my point is, that coin tore my life apart. My desire to live authentically and creatively became insatiable. And the phenomena that has followed me throughout my 20+ year nursing career became intolerable. I could no longer overcome it because my body said no. And I could also no longer keep it a secret even if it meant people thought I was crazy.
With or without my permission, my throat chakra was opening.
I suppose I unwittingly gave permission when I sold my soul during those wee morning hours of October 14, 2023. And although I didn’t know it, the ring of fire, the solar eclipse that I witnessed just hours later, was a metaphor for the darkness that was coming, the total eclipse of my heart. Here I am eighteen months later after making it through the dark night of the soul. Sometimes I think I’m still in it and maybe it’s just not as dark as it was at its peak which was on April 8, 2024, the date of yet another solar eclipse.
Listen to these lyrics from the song which I posted above: Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time. I don’t know what to do and I’m always in the dark. Once upon a time there was light in my life. Now there’s only love in the dark. Once upon a time, I was falling in love but now I’m only falling apart. There’s nothing I can do. A total eclipse of the heart.