Especially then, after I have adapted to the cold water, I breathe intentionally. See, at that point, my rapid gasps for air have long since been replaced with calm and almost too slow breaths. And then I make myself get out of the water, the same water into which I had to make myself go, before I succumb too far into the bliss of hypothermia. For me, It was like that with Grandmother Ayahuasca too. I had some type of awareness which made me think I should let go almost all of the way but not quite.
In hindsight, I now believe that following that knowing was a vital move.
Before surrender, though, a wave of darkness took my breath and my first impulse was to escape it. However, I knew that in this season, “the best way out is through,” especially since I had already swallowed the forbidden fruit. I relive it now as I write. I breathe intentionally and with focus because it is the only way I know how to survive the darkness. With surrender, comes relief, and after relief, comes bliss. I could stay here forever in this oneness with unconditional love.
But then I make myself get out before I succumb too far into the bliss of letting go.
And then like a contraction, the cycle repeats itself until Grandmother Ayahuasca, who wears many hats, has completed her work as both my midwife and my hospice nurse. I have died and I have been reborn. Did I die giving birth to myself? Death and birth it seems, are different yet inseparable, like two sides of the same coin. It was true what God said to Eve in The Garden of Eden.
But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die –Genesis 2:17. I quote the King James Version because that was the version instilled into me. If I were going to write a Connie White Version, I would add five little words after the word, die: and then be born again. I might also add footnotes about the name of the tree. I would say that without the knowledge, good and evil are defined through the lens of duality. Whereas, with the knowledge, duality is defined as an illusion.
But even as I think it, I can hear my father preaching from Deuteronomy 4:2a
Ye shall not add unto the word which I command you neither shall ye diminish ought from it. Oh, well, let me get back into this Ayahuasca experience. Before she rests, Grandmother settles me into a state of bliss where I know that I’m now grounded enough to let go all the way. Lying on my back, I look up into the early morning sky. The stars and the moon are perfect. My physical senses are at their sharpest. The appreciation and awe I feel for the sky is as if this was my first time seeing it.
My body feels light and breezy because I feel no resistance. Although I am outside, the temperature is perfect because I am regulating my internal temperature. Because, I have little to no resistance, it happens automatically. The breeze feels like the wind is blowing in pure love and appreciation. I am already starting to forget the pain of labor just like the mother who forgets just enough to give birth again and just like the soul who forgets just enough to be born again.
Jesus answered and said unto him, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God. ~John 3:3