“Oh,” she said, are you really a chaplain or did you just buy your certification online?” Without hesitation, I answered, “Both.” That was the question a nurse administrator asked me yesterday during a job interview. She noticed my resume heading which reads, Connie White, RN, LMT & Ordained Minister. I explained that I attended Ambasssador Baptist College before going to nursing school.
I didn’t mention that women were only allowed to obtain degrees that would prepare them to be a secretary, school teacher or preacher’s wife, because they were strictly forbidden to be preachers, much less ordained. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence ~ I Timothy 2:12, KJV. As a preacher’s kid, I heard that Scripture taught hundreds, if not thousands of times.
I guess that’s how I first learned to suppress my voice.
Anyhow, the interviewer assumed that I was a Christian woman like her. I wouldn’t say that I’m not. Rather, I’d say that I practice aspects of Christianity. But I also practice elements of Taoism and Hinduism and many other religions. I pick and choose from each, the beliefs that serve me. But I didn’t say that. She held the power to hire me or not. Believing I was like her, she went on to verbalize her disdain for their former chaplain, a woman who was into all kinds of “new age” things. She could’ve just as well been describing me.
To be fair, she did reiterate that CMS wants chaplains who honor the beliefs of the patient rather than peddling their own. Of course, I already knew this. I’m no stranger to hospice. She said she understood how hard it could be for a Christian chaplain to be with a dying person and not be able to share the salvation message. I let her think I was like her. But actually, it would never be hard for me to not witness. I don’t need to convince anyone to “get saved.” I think all roads lead to Rome. I’m genuinely fine with any belief system. I feel no urge to convert a dying soul.
I want only to support the beliefs of the dying while providing spiritual comfort and Unconditional Love.
While religious fundamentalism was the first, nursing was the second place in which I learned to censor and silence myself. My paycheck depended on it. But after Ayahuasca, it became more and more difficult for me to be quiet. This interview made it even harder. Yet from that interaction, I gained valuable clarity about the interpretation of my prison dream. I see now how the same problem I have in nursing will be the same problem I have in the ministry. And that is the need to hide my real self so I can get a paycheck.
Perhaps, the truth is that I want to break up with nursing before nursing breaks up with me.
Don’t get me wrong, I am sick of feeling like a legal secretary instead of a nurse. I have found that healthcare has developed a heavy focus on documenting for insurance reimbursement. And sometimes, it seems like it is more about compliance with the governing bodies than it is about the human who needs care. But the biggest, or maybe the second biggest issue I experience while working in healthcare, is fear, specifically, worrying that I will be kicked out if I reveal my true self.
And that bring me up to this morning, when my FYP brought me the below TikTok. Keisha The Mystic heard the words,“Hang Tight,” just before she saw a prison break. In her channeled message, she addressed every single element of my recent writing and conversations, prison, calibration, relaxation and Lilith. So let’s talk about Lilith now.
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