It was April 4th of this year and a few months after that last Ayahuasca ceremony, when I quit my part-time job without a notice and returned supplies to my full-time job to whom I had given a notice even though I couldn’t completely fulfill it. I had explained to each that my body had given me no other choice. And nothing could’ve been more true. Have you heard the phrase, When The Body Says No? Well, it’s also the title of Dr. Gabor Maté’s book. Listen to this short clip of him below.
After I returned the company property that morning, I drove straight to Sedona, AZ.
That’s a place from where I draw strength seemingly through osmosis. In the way that Grandmother Ayahuasca has a distinct energy, so does Sedona. One is medicine as much as the other is. This time, I found the chapel of the Holy Cross which one of my patients had said was a place I should visit. I didn’t get out because there wasn’t any parking that didn’t require a long walk. And I was in no shape to make it very far.
But just being in Sedona’s energy was enough to reassure me that everything was going to work out just fine. And as I drove home that evening, I continued to mentally build upon my financial escape plan which I had been formulating and reformulating in my head for a very long time. It was like when I plotted my escape from my now ex-husband. Except, this wasn’t one person from whom I was making myself scarce. I was running from a cult with too many chasers to count.
Within days, reality set in and I knew it wasn’t going to be enough to just map out a different life.
I actually had to execute the plan. The problem, though, was that I was too weak, too tired, too sick and in too much pain. The strength that Sedona had just infused into me seemed diminished already. Often, I could function for only brief periods before collapsing back onto my bed. My mind didn’t want to accept that my body was requiring copious amounts of rest after years of spiritual abuse and psychological torture, almost all of which, I had kept secret.
The total solar eclipse was on 4/8, only four days after I quit.
And on that day, it was especially hard for me to find enough endurance to complete even the smallest of tasks. I thought I would feel better the next day or at least by the day after that. But I didn’t. Instead, while lying in my bed of confinement, I lamented my pathetic existence along with my freshly trashed get free plan which had turned out to be garbage. Not only was the plan not going to work, but I also felt complete disinterest in hatching a new one.
But most of all, I was sick and tired of all things metaphysical. I was like a glutton, who after making herself ill, wishes to never see food again. It was like I no longer had spiritual tastebuds which made everything bland. Usually, the most natural thing in the world for me to do is to gravitate towards hopefulness. I suppose that was one of the reasons I had been a successful crisis line nurse. I could always see the light at the end of the tunnel and I could help the callers see it too. My mother, my example, has always been the same way. But this time, it was dark.
Finally, on 4/11, a thought came to me which made me wonder if the eclipse could’ve somehow affected me.
So I decided to do some research. One discovery led to the next. And soon, I realized I was in the dark night of the soul. And even though I had finally made it to the part about transits in my study of astrology, I still didn’t initially recognize that a solar eclipse is a literal illustration of the dark night of the soul.
In his article, which I highly recommend, Michael Smith says, “The ‘dark night of the soul’ is a phrase, attributed to the 16th-century Spanish mystic and poet St. John of the Cross, used to describe the passage through darkness one often takes in the journey towards enlightenment. It is when spiritual change and self-discovery is upon us but the way forward is obscured by fear of the unknown.”
Having obtained understanding in those aha moments, I felt huge relief. Hope had returned. That same day, I listened to a recording which Mel Robbins made on her birthday. I posted that talk below in which she speaks about how she awakened feeling lost. In so many words, she described her own stagnancy and despondency. But she also acknowledged how movement of the body moves this energy. Feeling inspired, I took a late night walk before going to sleep and dreaming about the dark night of my soul.