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When I was finally alone, I replayed, in my head, every single moment of that Ayahuasca retreat. Whatever I had previously glossed over in real time, I scrutinized during this time of reflection. As I dissected the high strangeness, I kept thinking, No, it couldn’t be. Could it? One thing I knew for sure though,…

Later in the day, after the Ayahuasca ceremony had ended, and after the shaman’s apprentice had joked about us being a cult, the shaman came over to talk. Out of the blue, and with no lead up, he proceeded to tell me a story about how he and his partner helped people who were stuck,…

This story begins with the last time I participated in an Ayahuasca ceremony. I was sick but not with a communicable disease. I had been growing weaker and having a harder time breathing over the prior six months or so but especially recently. At the same time, my pain had also been worsening. I remember hearing my…

IFB stands for Independent Fundamental Baptist. It is the cult into which I was born. Now If you think IFB sounds familiar but aren’t sure, maybe you’ve seen at least one of the viral clips of Greg Locke, the radical, screaming, controversial pastor whose religious roots were founded in the IFB. When I saw that my…

When my children were young, I read an article in a magazine at our doctor’s office. I requested permission from the office staff to rip out and take those pages. Yes, I actually asked. Thou shalt not steal -Exodus 20:15, had been hard wired into the impressionable psyche of my childhood self. But thats a…

Now I’m at the part where I have to go back to Matthew 6:33. But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.. So, if I take my theories which I laid out in the previous five entries, and combine them, I can make sense…

Once Love had my soul, Grandmother Ayahuasca switched it up on me. She tricked me. I had thought I was selling my soul to a Love that was euphoric and blissful. But that was only some of it. She made me experience the whole part. And together, she and Love, uncovered all my feelings of…

For me, there has always been this point within the Ayahuasca experiences where Grandmother renders me incapable as she holds me down with a force that induces submission in an oddly gratifying way. This time was no different. Even though I was more surrendered than not when she took me, I lost the option to…

One evening, in the early part of this year, while cooking and washing dishes, I was using one semi-dry finger to scroll up on TikTok. I was listening but not looking at the screen. I heard this man describing his interaction with unconditional love in like a part two or three of his story. Oh,…

The repairman arrived at my door that warm mid-May day and my nine month pregnant belly went before me as I led him through the trailer. I pointed out a soft spot under the carpet in the living room floor where he should avoid stepping. And I expressed in no uncertain terms that it was…